Since I’m about finished with my book (200 pages and counting ^___^), I guess I’ll come out of hiding.
The beginning’s well-written. (Not to mention, I am rather fond of openings like this, starting off with an unimportant character just to introduce the main person/thing of the story.) I don’t really see any problems with it and I like it, except the “screamed at his legs to work” sentence. I think I’ve read that in Goosebumps books too many times. The “last mistake he ever made,” I like it when writers do that, ‘cause I always get more interested than usual. However, I rarely employ it in my own writing because it’s too obvious. I like it anyways, though. I want to see where the cold part goes and the staticky phone. Reminds me of Silent Hill. And what Daze’s relationship to the fog-wolf is. So, you raised a lot of questions.
Mmm, oxys and benzos. You did a pretty good job describing the effects, especially the limbs far away part. And just to let you know, Wellbutrin hypes you up. Dopamine goodness, you know? But not like the cigarette kind. Like the cocaine and speed kind. Drugs are the greatest.
And uh, my critiquing trailed off right there because I didn’t want to stop. Dude, I really like this. A hell of a lot more than anything else I’ve read on here from you. Don’t be lazy about it, actually finish it.
I didn’t notice too much wrong with the pacing. Sometimes you jump scenes too quickly. Instead of the stars, you should include an actual transition, like from the pharmacy to the creek. Same for the creek to the house. Add like, three sentences and I think that would make it much better.
The end super kicked ass, especially since he’s not a ghost. That would’ve been lame. I like the ghost world description. I like the main character a lot. I’ve been wondering, though, (not saying that you should change it or that I’d change it in my story) but is it good to make your main character come off like that? I like him, but I don’t think he’s likable by most people’s standards. I wonder how much that would effect someone’s decision to read it.
And it wasn’t really wordy like some of your stuff is.
Other than the lack of transitions, I didn’t really notice anything big. I didn’t know if you wanted me to pick out the little things, so I didn’t really bother. (You are gonna take out that “hot knife through butter,” right? x_X) If there’s anything you particularly want me to look at, just reply back and I’ll re-read it.